Solo

Today I wandered on campus from class to class, I found my way to the library in a daze and took notes I have no recollection of. The day was grey and damp, the wind was mild but there was something chilling about it. The pathways were darkened by the rain and the world looked bleak. Today for the first time in a very long time I dreaded going to college, i felt afraid. As I sat by myself for two hours reading in a deserted hall way the feelings of loneliness which i had been fearing all weekend finally caught up with me.
I am used to having only my own company during college hours, my friedns are often absent and we take different classes this semester but when i am alone usually it is through my own choice, i make the decision to sit by myself to wander to the library or to the shop by myself but today I felt lonely because this solitude was not self inflicted. I have been isolated, forgotten about, put to one side, in favour of new people, who now count as friends and have taken my place and the feeling of being isolated at the hands of a friend is one which I do not like and one which causes me stress and upset.
Today I managed to shake it off because I knew the day was short and that soon I would be at home safe, where loneliness is virtually impossible.
I hope tomorrow the business of the day will distract me because loneliness is a terrible feeling, almost worse than physical pain, although I discovered today that research has shown that rejection causes the same reaction in the brain as physical pain so I guess today was just painful technically.
Tomorrow will be better.

D. Mount