'If I could bleed, or sleep.'

Poppies in July

Little poppies, little hell flames,
Do you do no harm?

You flicker. I cannot touch you.
I put my hands among the flames. Nothing burns.

And it exhausts me to watch you
Flickering like that, wrinkly and clear red, like the skin of a mouth.

A mouth just bloodied,
Little bloody skirts!

There are fumes that I cannot touch.
Where are your opiates, your nauseous capsules?

If I could bleed or sleep!
If my mouth could marry a hurt like that!

Or your liquors seep to me, in this glass capsule,
Dulling and stilling.

But colorless. Colorless.

Sylvia Plath

I first read this poem three years ago sitting in a class room, staring blankly out the window at the rain with was making the window difficult to see through. We had been in the class for five minuets listening to the teacher give out about homework which had not been handed up, the usual. Then she began to introduce the next poet we would be studying, Sylvia Plath. her reputation was one which was known to me, she was a fantastic female poet who had suffered through out her life from bouts of cripling depression. She had made the decision to end her life at the age of 31 and left behind her a mirage of cryptic, disturbingly brilliant work.

She was not welcomed favourably amongst the class and my teacher had placed an emphasis on the feminist side of her work so instantly the boys in the class disliked her for being a moany woman, the girls felt a similar dislike, all straight and not at all inclind towards feminist thinking. I however was intrigued instantly. I took down every word my teacher said about Plath. I listened tenatively. I was fascinated that the things which Plath felt, even in the grips of depression she had managed to place into words, in the form of poetry on a page to be read by the world. Her poetry spoke to me in a dark time of my life and the above poem was my favourite, for the simple line "if i could bleed or sleep"

That single line summed up my entire world at that time, I was sleeping for 4 hours a night if I was lucky, and bleeding through self destruction was my only way to feel, to know I still existed. I had grown tired of the world and its bullshit and this poetry became my new obsession, I learned the quotes, wrote the essays and for the first time gave my opinion in class, and was then attacked by the boys who disliked always what I had to say.

In Sylvia Plath's poetry I had found myself. Reading it now I feel very different towards the words which represent a troubled and darkened mind. I read the feelings, the lines with a feeling of sympathy as I feel the feelings of desperation she must have felt. I read these lines now and find in them not a solace or a place of release, I see them as deep caves of sadness. Between the lines of these poems there lies horendeous cries for help, cries for attention, cries for escape. Escape from the blackness which enveloped her. I once shared in that blackness but have since been released from it into you arms.

Sylvia Plath ended her life because she could not stand to be on this earth any longer, a shocking and desperately sad revelation. I once identified with these poems because I was feeling rather lost in this world too, I now read these poems and they evoke sadness and fascination as Plath demonstrates her deep knowledge of her mind and how it worked yet still she could not defeat it, she could not over come it and I am releaved and blessed in the knowledge that I was lucky and over came my mind, its darkness and avoided meeting the same end as this fatastic poet.

You had a large influence in my staying on the right path, you are my destination, you are my muse, you are the person i strive to be better for. I Know i still have many faults which are troublesome on occasion but I am trying my hardest to work around those faults, to fix them. I want to share these feeling with you today and how I felt when i first read this poem because I want you to be able to believe in my ability to progress I want you to be able to trust in my words and trust in me when I say I will be better I will try harder. you make me unbelievably happy and I know I make you happy too. I adore you and I love my life with you and i cherish you, all of you, every detail about you I cherish and I just want to make you happy. I want to love you as much as is possible!! I want to make you laugh and make you smile! I want to kiss you and make you feel something deep intense, I want to be by your side through all of the trials and tribulations life might throw at us and I want to hold your hand through the great times and though the days which might be hard.
I love you with all my heart and I am forever yours.

D. Mount.